This past weekend I finally manged to take my 10 year old to the movies to see Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. If you have been living under a rock, I’ll give you a quick breakdown of this cute family friendly flick. Alexander has the worst luck, it seems like something is always going wrong for him, from gum in his hair to setting the science lab on fire this poor kid just can’t catch a break. Meanwhile everybody around him is winning at everything. Poor Alexander just wants some company in his misery and makes a wish that those around him would know what it is like to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Of course he gets his wish and hilarity ensues as the perfect lives of every one around him crash and burn.
The movie was cute and got me thinking of my own terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Everybody has one of those days, a day where you just wish that you never got out of bed. This wasn’t the worst day of my life, it was just a day that where Murphy’s law was really in effect. Somebody must have really had it out for me that day because I just couldn’t catch a break.
It started just after midnight (isn’t that the way it always is!) with the words that makes every mom cringe “Mommy, my tummy hurts….” I jumped out of bed, I could hear the gagging start, helplessly I looked around for something to catch the inevitable vomit stream, of course there was nothing, not even a shoe nearby, so I did what any supermom does in that situation, caught the puke in my bare hands while herding her towards the bathroom. Fortunately this was just the pre-dinner show and there wasn’t much coming up, she leaned over the toilet while I washed my hands and prepared for her encore production. Boy oh boy was it a show stopper, if I wasn’t so completely grossed out I might actually be proud of her puketastic performance.
After about 10 minutes she was finally done and passed out with her face on the toilet seat. Poor baby. I got her tucked in to bed with a bucket nearby and I crawled into bed hoping for an hour or 2 of sleep before my daughter’s next show. I instantly fell asleep only to be awakened by glass shattering followed by our house alarm going off. My husband and I both shot out of bed and rushed downstairs. Apparently my knight in shining armor was in a huge hurry to protect me from the intruder, he cut me off in attempt to get downstairs before me, not realizing that I wasn’t fully awake and had no sense of balance…..I tumbled down the first set of stairs and landed face first on the landing. I stood up feeling like a newborn giraffe, stumbling my way down the second set of stairs. I tried to pull myself together expecting that I was going to have to fight off multiple burglars that were obviously there for all the riches that a broke ass family with 6 kids has. Instead I found that my kids attempt to recreate the leaning tower of Pisa with my glass storage containers had epically failed and now there was shattered glass all over the floor. Son of a……. seriously?! We pulled out the brooms and spent a good hour making sure no one would impale themselves with glass shards while eating their lucky charms the next morning.
A quick check on my sick daughter and I crawled back into bed praying for a good solid hour of sleep….. I could almost hear the universe laughing. Just as my eyes closed, another alarm went off, my daughters glucose monitor was loudly alerting me to the fact her blood sugar was dangerously low. Terrific. I drag my tired butt to her room and see that she is at 48 and dropping. Are you freaking kidding me??? I try to get her to wake up, not an easy task with any teenager, let alone one dealing with a low blood sugar. I finally manage to get her upright and drink some juice, but I know that I can’t go to bed now, I have to make sure that her blood sugar not only goes up, but stays up for awhile. So I settle in with my kindle and an episode of ER. 2 episodes later, her sugars are stable enough for me to fall asleep, at this point I’m too tired to even make my way back to my bed so I just fall asleep in my daughter’s room, this time just hoping for 30 minutes, that’s not too much to ask is it? Apparently it is……
Tornado warning. Oh my frickin gosh! I won’t even tell you the string of profanities that spilled out of my mouth. This is a joke right? Seriously universe, what the hell did I ever do to you?!
I herd my kids downstairs into our closet under the stairs, as I’m carrying my sick daughter down the stairs she decides that is the perfect time for pukefest part 2, sigh…… We hunker down in the bathroom and wait for the storm to pass. After the all clear, my husband gets the kids back upstairs and in their beds and my 5 year old and I pass out on the bathroom floor for 2 blissful hours.
Surely that was it, surely the universe can’t throw any more crap my way, right? Wrong. Started out the morning with a HUGE fight with my husband, 10 year old daughter setting a kitchen towel on fire, 3 year old sticking 3 beads up her nose, and 2 in her ear, more vomit, this time from the 7 year old and the pièce de résistance, a throw down in the middle of Kroger with a woman who had the unfortunate notion to ask me when my baby was due (I wasn’t pregnant). I ripped this complete stranger apart so badly that I’m pretty sure she will never speak to anyone ever again. All 18 hours of sleep deprivation, possible robberies, impending tornadoes and puking kids was unleashed on this poor stranger. I left my cart where it was, and walked to my car, where I cried and cried and cried. I’m sure the sound of sobbing could be heard for miles, but I didn’t care, I needed to cry, to sob, to let it all out before I went home and subjected my family to this mommy monster.
After a good hour, the sobs were done, the tears had dried up and I felt human again. It was time to man up and go home and face whatever ridiculous thing awaited me. I wish I could say that I got lucky like Alexander’s family and the Thunder from Down Under showed up to make my miserable day all better (You know you want to see the movie now!), no such luck, but what I did get was dinner on the table, sick kids bathed and sleeping peacefully on the couch and a husband that tucked me into my comfy cozy bed so I could just put an end to this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.