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Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Had My Hysterectomy

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*Caution, affiliate links ahead…Don’t worry, I’ll use the money for something practical, like wine…. or a pony!

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Had My Hysterectomy, Hilarious commentary on life right after a hysterectomy!

Warning this post may contain some TMI, so proceed at your own risk!

About a year and a half ago, after an epic battle, I lost custody of my uterus. After 6 kids, apparently even the thought of me wanting another baby was enough to send my uterus packing. It had had enough and just wanted out of our relationship. So at the ripe old age of 33 I gave in and got a partial hysterectomy. It wasn’t a decision I came to lightly and I talked to so many friends, family and doctors before agreeing to my uterine divorce.

I absorbed all the information Dr. Google provided so I was completely prepared for this major surgery. I read everything I could get my hands on, so there would be no surprises, unfortunately as clinically prepared as I was for the actual surgery, I missed the whole chapter on how ridiculous recovery would be. Why doesn’t someone talk about the horribly embarrassing, sometimes just wrong, things that your body goes through after the fact. To save other women the pain and humiliation of post uterus ripping out surgery, I will be sharing the things that no one will tell you about your hysterectomy:

1. Take all the drugs they offer and abuse your pain pump! I had all my children completely naturally, no pain meds, no epidural, surely I could handle the pain of being turned inside out and having my insides cut out. Yeah, no, even Supermom can’t handle that kind of pain. Take the drugs, drink the kool-aid, do whatever it takes to stay in a drug induced stupor for the first 12-24 hours after the surgery.

2. You will become a flatulence factory, there is no delicate way to put that, it will be awful and it will hurt so bad for the first few days that you will cry a little each time you even think you have to let one go.

3. Your bladder will expand to like 100 times it’s previous size. With all that room you now have in there, your bladder will feel like it was upgraded to the penthouse and will gladly expand to fill that empty space.  This can be a good thing for road trips because you will never have to stop for a bathroom break. However, if you sneeze with a bladder that full, it will be like Niagara Falls between your legs, so proceed with caution when testing out your new bladder capacity.

4. The swelling will last for months and months and months. Swelly Belly (as it’s referred to by my fellow hyster-sisters) is awful, I left the hospital looking 6 months pregnant. My husband had to bring my old maternity pants to the hospital so I could go home because the stretchy yoga pants I bought were too tight. Ugh. It took 8 weeks before I could ditch the maternity pants, but another month before I could even think about wearing jeans again.

5.You will be exhausted for weeks. Not just a little tired….. we are talking fall asleep on the toilet because you can’t walk back to the couch without a nap first, exhausted. This will last for weeks, if not months. It is deceiving because at some point in recovery you feel like you have acquired superpowers and you can do anything, then reality strikes when your husband has to drag you back in the house cause you had to lay down in the driveway after your mission to walk around the block ended in an epic fail.

6. You will become addicted to daytime TV, Stumbleupon and Pinterest. You will not have the attention span to watch a movie because you are so exhausted that you fall asleep halfway through every movie you attempt to watch. You will become best friends with Dr. Oz, Drew Carey and the entire cast of Days of our Lives, all the while pinning and stumbling yourself into a coma.

7. This is the most horrifying one of all!! They rip your lady parts out through your other lady parts!!! I don’t know how in the world I missed the conversation with my doc where he mentioned he would be turning me inside out to confiscate my uterus, but low and behold that is the new “less invasive” way to perform a partial hysterectomy. What idiot thinks this is less invasive? Pretty sure you can’t get more invasive than ripping my uterus out through my baby cannon.

I don’t want to scare you out of having a hysterectomy if you are faced with needing one, in all honesty, it was the best thing that I could have done and I feel so much better having had it done (with the exception of the first few months!), hopefully this will help you know what to expect if you are ever in the same boat 🙂

 

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Filed Under: Keepin' it Real 10 Comments

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Lovely comments

  1. Kathy Balman says

    February 28, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Only you could make a funny post out of this topic.
    Reply
  2. Mama to 5 says

    March 3, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    wow expands 100 times! I am sorry but it's great that you have a sense of humor about it.
    Reply
  3. Sherri Davidson says

    March 4, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    Oh my how I love the way you wrote this post. I wasn't aware you could still get your period. Ugh.
    My problem would be that I already have a bladder that wants to burst if I sneeze what will happen when it is now double the size? Scary. LOL
    Reply
  4. Christie says

    March 11, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    I laughed, I cried, I peed a little :) Christie recently posted...Splenda Peaches & Cream Pie Recipe #SweetSwapsMy Profile
    Reply
  5. Scott says

    March 11, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    You know, some posts just shouldn't be read by men. This is one of them. ;) Scott recently posted...Squeezing a Little More into the CabinetsMy Profile
    Reply
  6. Vicki Arnold says

    March 11, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    This is the very first post I've ever read here, lol. "Baby cannon" had me dying! Vicki Arnold recently posted...What Should I Plant in My First Garden? – A Beginner’s Guide to GardeningMy Profile
    Reply
  7. heather says

    March 11, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    I can't imagine the pain you had, but thanks for making me laugh with you afterwards! heather recently posted...Taco SaladMy Profile
    Reply
  8. GiselleR @ Diary of an ExSloth says

    May 31, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    I will henceforth refer to my lady bits as a 'Baby Cannon'. Probably the funniest thing I've read all week! GiselleR @ Diary of an ExSloth recently posted...Coconut Cookie Dough Oats RecipeMy Profile
    Reply
  9. Karen Pizza says

    December 22, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    Don't forget the inability to poop for 3 days! It was like natural childbirth all over again! Even so, my hysterectomy was the best decision I ever made.
    Reply
  10. Sarah says

    March 12, 2016 at 9:54 pm

    I had no idea you could still have your periods after a hysterectomy. Thank you for the heads up. I might have to consider all alternatives before proceeding. Great article! Lots of good information.
    Reply

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